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"I don't know how she does it!" is an oft-heard refrain about mothers today. Funnily enough, most moms agree they have no idea how they get it done, or whether they even want the job. Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile spoke to mothers of every stripe working, stay-at-home, part-time and found a surprisingly similar trend in their interviews. After enthusing about her lucky life for twenty minutes, a mother would then break down and admit that her child's first word was "Shrek." As one mom put it, "Am I happy? The word that describes me best is challenged." Fresh from the front lines of modern motherhood comes a book that uncovers the guilty secrets of moms today . . . in their own words. I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids diagnoses the craziness and offers real solutions, so that mothers can step out of the madness and learn to love motherhood as much as they love their kids.
Are We Truly Reinventing Motherhood, or Just Perpetuating Age-Old Assumptions About Women's Incompetence?
| Customer Rating:   | "Motherhood is one of those things that's totally impossible to picture until it happens to you. You think it will be a certain way-you won't yell at your kids, you'll have infinite patience, you'll sit on the floor for hours reading to your kids, you'll divide the parenting duties fairly with your husband-and then boom, your baby arrives and your whole world turns upside down. I mean, I always pictured myself with kids, but I didn't expect to be barely keeping it together 99 percent of the time. The days just flow together, and I'm supposed to cherish it all?" (page 33,@2007 Chronicle Books, 1st edition)
I have read a few mothering books that purport to give the real scoop on motherhood and most share a premise: the rigors of motherhood came as a surprise to modern women who enter the state unprepared. After a few harried months with their bouncy babies women begin to feel a wistfulness for their previous childless state. There is a kernel of truth here, but there are also some unexamined assumptions about the lives of modern mothers.
Assumption #1: Work in the public sphere is always fulfilling and great.
When I read the above quote I wonder just how terrific was this woman's job. Some women have jobs that afford them a measure of autonomy and creativity, but many do not. Staying at home with children may afford some women more autonomy and freedom to manage their time and workspace as they choose. Additionally, like a small business owner who enjoys the hands-on approach, the mother can directly experience how her labors promote her family's well-being.
Assumption #2: Staying home is a sacrifice in pay.
If you have more than one child, full-time childcare may easily exceed your annual pay, so yes, a woman has to scrimp to stay home, but she would have had to be just as frugal had she worked. Whether a woman remains in paid employment or chooses to stay at home, she will be called to make some financial sacrifices for her children.
Assumption #3: The pressures of motherhood are worse than the pressures of paid employment.
Again, when I look at the above quote, I wonder if this woman had it magnificently together at work. For me, a typical work day was an overloaded one, and, during deadline crunch time, the same feeling of wading from one activity to the next overwhelmed me and wrested from me any real sense of accomplishment. That motherhood also has its hectic times is no surprise, nor is managing it much different than when I was working in the public sector.
Assumption #4: Women go into motherhood with the unrealistic expectation that being a mommy is always lovey-lovey-joy-joy.
I don't know about you, but a day didn't go by in our house that my mother did not yell. And since our extended family was so prolific it didn't take much exposure to conclude that babies were uncouth in their pooping, peeing and puking, and that the behavior of small children is naturally errant and wild unless reined in. Is it true that most first-time mothers have no experience of small children? As it is still primarily women who are providing childcare, there must often be some opportunities for young girls to babysit or observe children with their mothers. Nor do I believe that all women just forget how they were mothered. Did any of our mothers spend three hours of floortime with us?
Assumption #5: That other women lie about motherhood, depicting it as more terrific than it actually is.
I've been listening to women kvetch about their children my whole life; my mother and her friends over coffee, the women I work with, my friends, my aunties and great-aunties. They love a baby, but still will nod knowingly when another woman expresses her difficulties. Though we women are famous for our social support networks, is it universally true that when it comes to children we blow sunshine up each other's bottoms, and present a false face of perfection to each other?
Assumption #6: The intelligence that moderates our behavior in the working world just flies away when we become mothers, robbing us of everything we know about time management, keeping our cool, dealing with difficult people, and perservering through difficult times.
When the above assumptions permeate self-help and other literature aimed at new mothers, the underlying tone is that being a mother is a drag. I found much to be true in Ashworth and Nobile's discussions of modern maternity, such as the need for lowered expectations and balanced priorities. But, despite the second wave of feminism being approximately 40 years behind us, I have to conclude that there is something distinctly unfeminist about this helpless tone that pervades women's literature concerning mothering. Are we truly reinventing motherhood, or just continuing those old assumptions that women are not quite up to snuff? First we were derided for our desire to participate in the public sphere, and now we are potentially too ineffectual to successfully take part in an institution as old as humanity? Read with a grain of salt. |
my husband finally understands
| Customer Rating: | SAHMs can relate to this book - it really points out all the little things you are expected to take care of typically as a stay at home mom (over and above the 6 mini meals a day and the associated cleaning of the floor, table, chairs, wall and hair and the 8 diaper changes a day including the 3 nasty ones, including the daily blowout that diaper manufacturers can't design diapers to contain...), and has lists where you can check off your unspoken responsibilities so you can realize that you aren't completely fatigued "for no reason" after "just watching the toddler" -
the best part of all was that my husband read it too, and said "wow honey, I didn't really realize that you were doing all of that, I guess I should have - you do make my life easier by doing everything but bring in an income" - it brought a tear to my eye to hear that -
I borrowed this book from the library, and now I'm going to buy a copy for each of my stay at home Mommy friends - well, just the ones that aren't trying to compete (their children) against my little guy...
(little Harry just spoke his third language today and scaled Mt.Everest all before his daily 3 hour nap that he takes without a fight...)
borrow it, read it, then buy it as a reference for daily affirmations... |
breath of fresh air
| Customer Rating: | | I couldn't have come upon this book at a better time. Frustrated by the daily routine and feeling alone working and managing a household with 2 kids, this book provided me with reassurance that I was not the only mother feeling this way. I typically don't have time to read books for pleasure but I couldn't put this one down. I recommend it to any mom (working or not) who needs a break and to know that she is not alone. Excellent book. |
Cute and short
| Customer Rating: | | this is another by the same authors...also realy cute, short and sweet! You can tell they have experienced motherhood! |
nice package, but nothing new
| Customer Rating: | I bought this book after hearing many friends say they loved it. But despite the claim on the cover that it's meant for both stay-at-home and working moms, as a working mom, I felt it didn't speak to me at all. I don't park my kids in front of the TV to have a regular 4:00 chat with a girlfriend. I don't worry about my loss of identity. I don't thrust my kids at my husband when he arrives home from work, because I am so sick of dealing with them. I have no criticism of any woman who does those things, because being a SAHM is hard, hard work. But there are very few examples in this book of similar things that working moms do, or the particular guilt triggers for us (seeing our kids for one waking hour per day, not making our own baby food, never being able to coordinate a fundraiser even if we wanted to). The title should be "I was a really good mom before I had kids and quit my job."
There's also nothing new here -- many books have covered this same territory. (See "Mother Shock: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It" for a much more insightful treatment.) And the book is very negative -- it made me feel depressed rather than reassured.
If there are moms out there who find this book helpful, more power to them. But I wouldn't recommend it to a working mom, particularly one who actually more or less likes her life the way it is. |
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